Coach Rusty

Quitting my job so I can spend more time online

Omg dude EVERYONE shoots the sheriff in self-defense and it is not gonna matter bro

Writer's block never announces its arrival, it just sneaks up behind you and shoots you in the back of the head

I was on my way to the riot when I saw that McDonald’s now serves a DOUBLE Filet O Fish so I knelt to the pavement and asked the lord to let me be a consumption machine for just a little bit longer amen

Just some real advice: if the founders of your company went to college together your professional life will always be directed by a tiny loser-fraternity of 45 year olds who are still high-fiving and hazing each other while you do all the work

Unspoken magic when you see another very stoned person on an elevator and give em the power nod

Being a pelican is my ideal reincarnation tbh, just gliding around all day searching for food and then dive-bombing it is my kind of life

If you’re not sure whether something is a pool or just a fountain the only way to really find out is to start swimming in it

It’s funny how I can’t read or write anything longer than a fortune cookie message anymore

Welp I think we really taught Kamala a lesson you guys

Everybody got that one friend who constantly thinks they’re inventing something but it already exists

Blacked out watching HGTV last night and woke up to the most beautiful feng shui in my living room

I’m Christlike in the sense that I hang out with some of the shittiest people just to prove a point

Be the geriatric lesbian belting War Pigs at karaoke you want to see in the world

I sustain myself with preemptive bitterness

When’s it gonna be MY turn to witness a preventable death at a gender-reveal party ffs

How bout we smoke this joint and compare the most awkward moments we’ve ever created